Today when I woke up in the morning next to my child, I could
smell and tell that her diaper was full already and needed to be changed
immediately. The smell of her diaper triggered a thought of why another person
did not change her diaper the previous night, before bed. Soon after, I went
into backchats like if I don’t ask it will not be done, must I be the only
person catering for the baby around here. Then I went into anger reaction.
I have become aware that, almost every day in the mornings, I
am usually cranky and whiny, I look for anything in my environment which is not
as I want it to be and use it to fire complaints at my partner, blaming him for
not aligning things to my ‘liking’. Not only do I make my partner unstable, I
also use him as an excuse to not take responsibility for my world through
blame. This also makes it difficult to really communicate with each other in a
stable common sensical way.
Question to Sunette: A
few days ago, I experienced sciatica pain in my left leg and this was the
feedback I got from
Sunette:
‘Carolyne,
the sciatica pain - left, here looking at depending too much on your
emotions/memories for support, like using the mind as a crutch to 'lean on /
make yourself feel better' - have a look at the tendency to do this, primarily
comes from a tendency to give up/give in - complain/self-pitying/depression/feeling
low things like that, so manipulating things instead of remaining stable and
finding solutions’
From within the above statement are facts of what I have been
accepting and allowing that lead me to having the sciatica pain down my left
leg. So, I decided to investigate further within myself where my whining
character sprouted from.
I have this tendency of reacting in anger even at the
slightest situation especially when something is asked of me. This reaction has
become so automated within my mind that I have just accepted it as myself. It
sometimes is so subtle that I even do not notice that I have actually reacted
in anger until after the reaction has passed. I realized this and so decided to
investigate within myself. What I found so interesting about this part of me is
that, I have almost completely accepted and allowed it to completely take over
the moments when I must respond to someone. I simply respond in anger and whining/nagging
no matter how slight it is. I feel it within the change in my voice tonality
when it becomes heightened and louder, my facial expression where my upper and
lower face ‘gringe/fold’ towards each other, sometimes I click with my tongue, sometimes
my heart rate increases especially when I respond in extreme anger and lots of
nagging and my body starts to shake/tremble as well, then I whine and whine and
whine some more and blame the other person for making me react and feel how I
feel.
I manipulate others up until a point where they must accept
that they are the reason for my whining so that I can feel better through
justifying my reasons for nagging. I play victim always to a scenario and most
of the times, I manipulate others through nagging until they accept that they
are the reason for my nagging which is actually manipulating others so that
they can help me manipulate myself so as not to take self-responsibility for
what it is that I accept and allow. In this way, I play victim of my very own
self-deception.
Another point why I nag/whine is fear. I fear losing my power
and control over being right and others being wrong. So I nag to defend the
idea of who I am, I nag to defend the opinion that I have become and because I
fear losing this idea/opinion/perception of myself, I will defend it through
nagging/whining.
Another interesting point is that, I am addicted to this
whiny nature of me as me. It’s like looking for those small things/situations
in my environment that are not aligned to my liking and from here; I use it as
an excuse to nag/whine instead of taking responsibility. I found out that, I
actually thrive by creating these conflicting situations, nag about them and
ensure that I come out victorious. This is actually a mental addiction that has
become my very own personality character.
So I really must now stop this whining and take
responsibility for what it is that I am accepting and allowing and how I not
only harm myself but others as well.
DAY 60: WHINING/NAGGING WOMAN - Part 2
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