Day 36 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 3

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that REAL love is love towards self/self-love, LOVE as a statement that I will not accept anything less than who I am and thus, will not accept anything less from another, as one with who I am. I commit myself that I will express love as a statement of who I am within/as honoring myself through self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to bring about self-change that is best for all as myself and so I will not accept and allow anything less than me within/as this statement, not in my life or another as me as equal and one as life.

 I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I use the word ‘love’ whenever I want to run away from the responsibility of me in and as my physical world, that I use love as a scapegoat/excuse to not face myself in and as this physical real world through facing my fear of being alone. I commit myself to assist and support myself to face my fear of being alone through investigating within me in self-honesty the origin and reasons for this fear and that I will not accept and allow myself to sabotage myself/deceive myself from facing this fear by hiding in relationships connected by love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love/being in love as a way of evading self-responsibility in that, when in love, I chose not to see reality and just preferred dwelling in the nice warm feeling of love energy and how it made me feel ‘complete’ rather than focusing on accomplishing that which was/is real in my reality like fully dedicating myself to my studies and not waste time through spending it with the one I love simply because iv deceived myself to feeling ‘complete’ around them.
I commit myself to focus on my reality and that which needs to be accomplished within my reality into bringing about a world that is best for all and that I will not deceive myself in spending all my time around a person I  claim to love  because of the illusion that ‘I am complete around this person’. From within this as well, I commit myself to assist and support myself to see realize and understand that who I am do not need/require anything or anyone outside myself to ‘be complete’ because this is inequality, that, by saying ‘another completes me’ is me accepting and allowing me to be incomplete and thus will place more value in another as the point within which I can be complete making this the point of separation hence inequality, instead of simply realizing the completeness of who I am within and as the stability of every single breath, equal and one with all as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love to deceive/lure a person/a man into my world where I prefer to keep them there and keep manipulating them with love so that they can remain with me in my world for as long as possible so I won’t have to be alone, thus leading to not only self-irresponsibility towards me in and as my world but also the other person/man become irresponsible towards their world as well and we both remain in our blindness as this irresponsibility which has led to adverse consequences in this world.

Next Blog: Day 37 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 4

Day 40 - ''I TRUSTED YOU'' - Part 2

Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust as a point outside myself by placing it within and as my trust for others thus separating myself from self-trust and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others instead of trusting only myself within and as the starting point of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. I realize that, placing my trust in others signifies a point of separation from self within and as self-trust whereby I take my trust which should be for myself and give it to others thus saying that I trust them/my trust is with them; from within this I thus make a commitment to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that, the only one that I can trust is myself within as self-trust as self-honesty within every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why the people I trust keep betraying me over and over again is because of my starting point of placing my trust in others as a point outside myself thus indicating that, by trusting others was in fact a starting point of self-betrayal through separation and thus I manifested exactly what I had created, which is the betrayal that I kept getting from others as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself through not trusting myself hence betraying myself, from within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that others betraying me over and over again and that their betrayal was in fact mirroring/reflecting the manifestation of who I had become within as self-betrayal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility because it is easier to define/place my trust in others which is like saying, others should ensure that I trust them but not me to trust me.

Thus, I COMMIT myself to assist and support myself to ensure that, my starting point in regards to trust is that of self-trust through self-honesty in every moment of breath whereby, in each moment of breath I prove to myself that I am always self-honest by not accepting and allowing anything less than who I am as life, HERE always within and as my physical body, because then I shall know who I am and by knowing who I am, I can trust only myself absolutely; this is self-trust. I commit myself to stop betraying myself through separating myself from self-trust and that I will not define my trust outside myself through and as the act of trusting others for I realize that placing my trust within others outside myself is the point of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others through trust when I tell them that I trust them, then they can feel good about themselves and they can trust me as well as them trusting me would also makes me feel good and needed and in control over them. I commit myself to establishing self-trust within myself and that I will not accept and allow myself to manipulate others by getting them to trust me or me to trust them so that I can feel good about myself and thus keep manipulating others so I can have control over them when they needed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do, whereby, I would use previous memories of when others would betray my trust to justify why I should keep placing my trust on others saying that it was a good way of helping the people who had betrayed me to earn back trust not seeing that the one who was doing the betrayal was myself to myself when I separated myself from trust and that I needed to earn self-trust for me within/as self-honesty in every moment of breath. I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop relying on my memories to tell me what to do and that, any moment I find myself drifting away into the memories of others betraying my trust, I shall stop, breath and will not allow myself to participate within such memories, and from within that very moment of breath, I will stand up for myself from within and as self-honesty as the realization that separating myself from self-trust is self-betrayal and will not be allowed. I also commit myself to assist and support myself to always be here within and as my physical body in awareness whereby I act within breath as that which is best for all so as to establish trust within and as self and thus become TRUSTWORTHY for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself exert my anger and disappointed towards other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting-point of trusting them in the first place – and therefore, I am responsible and cannot blame them for feeling betrayed. I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that the only one my anger and disappointment is directed to is myself for betraying myself within the starting point of placing trust in others as a point outside myself creating separation from self-trust and that blaming others is just self-sabotage so that I don’t have to take responsibility for myself as self-trust within and as self-honesty in every moment of breath. Any moment I become aware of myself going into anger and disappointment and blaming others for my mistake of separating myself from trust, I shall stop myself breath and will not allow myself to participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my mind to tell me what to do and who to be which is an indication that I trust my mind over myself hence separating myself from self-trust. I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop relying/trusting my mind to tell me what to do and who to be/become, because, trusting my mind is equally a separation point whereby I place my trust in and as mind  as a point outside myself. From within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to be/become self-reliable within and as the directive principle of my life within and as each moment of breath in and as self-honesty to live that which is best for all as this will be self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back chats like ; I wish I knew this would happen, I will never trust others again, after placing my trust in others. I commit myself to assist and support myself to realize that these back chats would not exist had I not placed my trust in others in the first place and thus, any moment I find myself about to participate within such back chats, I shall breath and stop myself from participating and bring myself back to the realization that the only one I should trust is me in and as self-honesty in each moment of breath.

Day 39 - ''I TRUSTED YOU'' - Part 1

Self Writing

I recently was involved in a situation whereby, I needed someone to support me achieve something. And so I sent a large sum of money to these persons trusting the persons to assist me in having some needs met. These are persons who are very close to me and have known for quite some time and so I thought I could trust them. I have had other trust issues in the past with them but I just thought this time, I could trust them because it is this was a different situation. Well, all that I had expected from them did not happen and so I ended up losing all the money. Turns out that they had also trusted someone else and that person let them down. This was like a long chain of trust issues.

So what came up were memories of the last time my trust was violated by the same people. So I began asking myself why I keep trusting the same people who over and over again have violated my trust. And this is what I found within myself while looking at me within and as self-honesty.

I realized that my starting point was manipulation. I was manipulating others through trust so that I can have control over them. By having control over them made me feel needed, by them and so I thought by me trusting others will make them like me and because I felt good when I was liked, I kept manipulating  the same people through trusting them so that they can like me and TRUST ME as well., and thus I remained in my ‘feel good’ energy which is self-interest.

I realized that, these people kept deceiving me by violating my trust for them because I was equally deceiving myself by placing trust in others outside myself, instead of trusting me, having self-trust.

I realized that, despite the memories of others deceiving me by violating my trust, I still wanted to like give them a chance of earning my trust by trusting them again. Within this, it became evident how I used memories of my previous trust issues with others to base my decision of and as the justification of why I should keep trusting the same people again by giving them a chance to redeem themselves by proving that they can be trusted again by me.

I realized I was relying so much on my mind to tell me what to do and who to be and become in any given situation so much to the point that, I completely disregarded the reality who I was within and as the starting point of trust.

I realized that I felt betrayed by these people and thus became angry and disappointed towards them for betraying my trust for them.

I had backchats like; I wish I knew this would happen, I will never trust others again.

Day 40 - ''I TRUSTED YOU'' - Part 2

Day 38 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 5

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements Continued...

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of security when I am in love with a man through feelings of completeness, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the believe that ‘I am complete’ when I find love in the form of a relationship with another/a man, not seeing, realizing and understanding that who I am as life is already complete/whole and that accepting anything less of this wholeness is separation therefore, inequality; self-interest. I realize that, any moment I give into the feeling of being complete when I am in love, this is a point of separation whereby I am separating myself/me from me through creating a point of completeness outside myself by basing it in and as another person through love and therefore, any moment I find myself succumbing to the point of completeness based on something/someone outside myself, I shall stop, breath and will not allow myself to participate within such a point for who I am already is whole and complete as life and self-sustain and thus do not need a point outside myself to be whole. From within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to bring myself back to myself through becoming equal and one with/as the physical and thus realize and become the wholeness of me as the physical.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as a mind consciousness system, I need energy to survive and so I form relationship connections using love so that I can generate enough energy for survival and one of the best ways I do this is through sex and hence I use love to form a relationship from which I can have as much sex as possible to get an energy supply for my entire mind consciousness system. I commit myself to stop participating within and as love energy which is just a way that the mind consciousness system use to generate energy through forming relationships whereby one can have sex and thus continue generating even more energy to keep sustaining the mind consciousness system, thus putting the physical body at the sacrificial alter where energy is sourced/sucked from to feed and sustain the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that, fulfilling sexual fantasies is a way of expressing love while fantasies is in fact just mind consciousness system way of generating energy for its own survival. Any moment I find myself fantasizing about sex, I shall stop, breath and will not allow myself to participate within such fantasies  for I realize that within and as the illusion of love as energy, sexual fantasies is another added ‘bonus’/dimension that the mind uses to justify its existence through sourcing /sucking more energy from the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sexual fantasies as a starting point to find a compatible partner with who I can walk my life with. I commit myself to put a stop to using sexual fantasies as a starting point of forming a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as a starting point to love so that I can have my needs met easily, i.e. I can be financially cared for, financially  supported as well as have enough finances to support own children. I commit myself to base the beginning of a new relationship from within and as the starting point of that which is best for all and that I will consider all aspects of and as who I am in the new relationship and ensure that only what’s best for all is the only outcome, because what’s best for all is best for me.  I commit myself to assist and support the process of bringing about an equal money system capitalism whereby it will be every humans beings right to have access to enough money to sustain one’s life from birth to death ensuring that all necessary needs are met with ease, for this will put an end to this era where I or another makes/bases the start of a new relationship on money and thus it will be from here that real relationships that give the value of life number one priority will develop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on their financial capabilities whereby, I regard highly those who have money, see them as attractive and macho/strong  and those without I judge them as weak incapable people/men that cannot satisfy me and my needs, hence from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose the fulfillment of my needs on others instead of taking responsibility for myself and ensuring that I meet my own needs. From within this also, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by thinking that, others/a man should be responsible for me. I commit myself to stop myself from using money as the starting point of giving value to life in that, I give those with money more value and those without I give less value for I realize that, valuing or de-valuing others is valuing or de-valuing self,  based on the concepts of my mind and depicted in the current money system and thus I commit myself to value life for life as life, and that I will not allow the existence of anything/anyone as more of less than life; Equality and oneness as life. I commit myself to assist and support myself to take responsibility for myself and not put my self-responsibility in the hands of another for I realize that, it is only through taking self-responsibility in all ways that real change can be brought forth and sustained and that if each person took self-responsibility, and not depend or wait for other to take responsibility for them, then very fast we can change the way we exist as in our world today.

As a woman, I see how I have contributed to the common BE-LIEve that, it is the job/responsibility of a man to take care of a woman especially financially which has created the consequence of inequality between men and women in and as our world whereby in some societies, a woman is not even allowed to take any self-responsibility and her contribution in the community is ignored and judged as of less importance hence leading to a world dominated by men and the consequences thereof, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a woman place my self-responsibility in the hands of a man simply because I regard a man to have power over me and thus should direct my life. I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop participating within the believe than men are more/superior than women and hence men should take major  responsibility over women as I realize that within/as this believe, equality and oneness can never exist, as well, I commit myself to as an equal, participate within decision making with men as equals whereby we both can come up with agreements of how to best co-exist in a harmonious relationship as equals, assisting and supporting each other to bring forth heaven on earth.

Day 37 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 4

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements Continued...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love feelings as a tool to find a partner with whom I can form a relationship with, considering only my self-interest as this love feelings whereby this love feelings cloud/block all my common sense in regard to the reality of myself and of this other person, and thus not questioning or assessing at all through common whether this person can make an ideal partner for me or I for them,  and so can stand together as equal and one to express my statement of love for me/towards me and as this person. I commit myself to stop myself from using the energetic feeling of love as the starting point to form relationships, whereby I block out all common sense in regards to the reality of who I become within and as the relationship which I form, and the reality of the person with whom I form a relationship with and the reality of who we become together as a couple in a relationship. I commit myself to consider all aspects of starting a new relationship ensuring that my starting point is clear through and as self-honesty as that which is best for all, that love should not be an externalized feeling to another but rather centered within and as me and expressed within and as a statement of equality and oneness by honoring myself and another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that, I can change someone through love/loving them while in reality, I just use love/loving as a way of manipulating someone to how I would like them to exist in and as my world ie, manipulate/shape them in such a way that they accept me as I am as this was an easier way of me remaining in my self-interest ways and so did not have to change but that they should change so that I can continue existing within and as my self-interest. I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that, the one that really needs to change and must change is myself and that, manipulating others so that they can change in order to support myself interest ways is self-deception and I will no longer allow myself to continue in my self deceptive ways but that I shall change everything about me into becoming a living statement/principle/example as that which is best for all and thus birthing a new world where only that which is best for all exists, this will be heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a means to manipulate someone/a man in such a way the they don’t have to leave me, but stay with me so that I won’t be have to face my fear of being alone, i.e. as long as the person/man was with me, then I was not alone and thus wouldn’t have to face my fear of being alone.

Thus from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose change on others through love not wanting to see realize and understand that forcing others to change is self-deception in itself, instead others should change willingly and that the person that should really change is myself from using love as self-deception to not facing my fear of being alone to becoming a statement of love as honoring who I am as life and will not accept anything less of self or another as life. I commit myself to stop manipulating others using love to make relationship connections so that I can have this person stay with me through and the relationship so that I don’t have to be aloe/feel alone. Within this, I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to face my fear of being alone through self-honesty, self-writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so that I can finally be free from the energy of fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to advertise myself like a commodity by altering my physical outlook through wearing tight clothes, make up and changing hairstyles and high heeled shoes and through changing my walking style as well in order to attract a person/man with whom I can form a relationship with using love. I commit myself to not alter my physical outlook/to not alter the stability of my physical body so that I can attract a man to love me for I realize that this is manipulating someone in order to lure them and keep them in a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct within my mind that a person with money is more attractive than a person with less or no money and that it is better to get the more attractive person with money and love by forming a relationship, not seeing realizing and understanding that in reality, I am simply loving the money and not the person, the money makes the person more attractive and that if this person is without money or has less money, my love for them as well becomes less or ends and on I shall go to look for another love, love for money, thus limiting me as  the expression of who I am as real love towards self, love as a statement of self-honor, honoring life as self.

So, here, love as well has become a commodity that money can buy and that the more money one has, the more the love one can buy. Therefore, love as self-statement, as self-expression no longer exists as it has been conditioned by the money system as its exists today and this has led to great abuse of life, dishonoring life to the very core, we humans dishonoring each other in every way where we now sell sex disguised as love, for money. And hence from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the creation of the current money system whereby, within and as its conditions has reduced the expression/statement of self-love into self-dishonor where we humans are now buying and selling love to the highest bidder/the one with most money, thus inequality at all levels. I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop basing the value of life on money in that, the one with more money deserves to be treated better/loved and the one without to be disregarded as not important, whereby  the very reason why we humans dishonor each other at all levels is because we accentuated/uplifted the value of money and disregarded the value of life, this showing within and as the evidence of how we treat each other where we don’t value each other equally based on the fact that we are all here as life within and as our physical bodies and that we all are equally responsible for accepting and allowing ourselves to dishonor each other as humanity, extending this dishonor and disregard for all other life forms. I commit myself to assist and support myself to take back self-honor through the application of self by using the Desteni message and tools, for I realize that self-honor is honoring all as life, equal and one.

Day 38 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 5

Day 35 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 2

Self Forgiveness and Commitment Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the word love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the energetic experience of love/loving/being in love. Any moment I find myself drifting into the energetic feelings of love as the warm bubbly great feeling, I shall BREATH and stop myself from participating within this energetic feeling because I realize that who I am as love energy is not REAL, love energy is just a feeling and that the real me is me in/as breath within/as my physical body and is always stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feelings are real and the energetic experience of me as feelings is real and so from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard the feeling of myself/me in/as love, being in love as REAL/REALITY.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the word ‘love’ therefore limiting myself within/as these definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within and as love/loving another. I commit myself to assist and support myself to not limit myself within and as love/loving because I realize that love/loving is of the mind as energy and that  me limiting myself to the energy as love means that this is all I accept and allow myself to ever be and thus will miss the opportunity of realizing my full potential of who I am as the physical in and as its totality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and thus use love as a bridge to connect to another/man in order to form a relationship with this other person/man so that I won’t have to be alone and instead of facing this fear of being alone, I’d rather be in love with another person/use love as the connection point to another person/man so we can be together and then I won’t have to face the responsibility of being by myself/alone and the fear thereof. From within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed to see, realize and understand that the word love in its resonance is used by the mind consciousness system to form relationships with other mind consciousness systems because the minds fear being alone and thus I define, experience and express myself from within and as the context of the mind, making mind experiences my experiences, experiences which are not real. I commit myself to assist and support myself to see realize and understand how it is that the word love actually functions in connecting mind consciousness systems through energy and how I have come to define myself within and as this energy resonance of love as the energy feeling of love/being in love and making this an experience of me/myself and thus disregarding who I really am as the stability of what is right here in/as my breath within/as my physical body within and as this physical earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be in a relationship with someone else /a man in order to feel loved/connect to another and not be alone.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that I have been using love/the word ‘love’ as a means by which, I, as the mind consciousness system can connect to another as a mind consciousness system in order to form an energetic relationship whereby both minds can continue existing in energy instead of taking responsibility by facing self as what is here in and as the physical reality which is the only REAL world.

From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the energy feeling of love in/as my mind, ever so lost in the bubbly cloud of love feeling, which is not real because this bubbly cloud as love energy feeling ends and what remains is this eternal physical reality of which I am a part of in equality and oneness in and as my physical body.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand that, love as energy has a beginning and an end and thus cannot be real and cannot be trusted in any way whatsoever, from within this, I am making this commitment to myself that I will no longer participate within love/loving/being in love from and all its definitions and concepts because when all this love ends, who I was within it all will also end showing that who I was in love was not real, just energy. What is real is who I am as the physical breath within and as my physical body, stable, mind energy in form of love like many other feelings and emotions is not real, that’s why it changes and thus ends.

Next Blog: Day 36 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 3  

Day 34 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 1

self writing

‘I would like someone who LOVES ME and appreciates me for me, I want to find love’, isn’t this just what every woman/person dreams/has dreamt of? Aren’t almost all relationships starting point LOVE? Well, I, just like all other people who have ever been/will be ‘in love’, have fallen into this trap, the trap of love. This is also ‘sugar coated’ even more by the statement ‘love is blind’.

Well I fell into all this traps in my quest for love. Love became the driving force behind the reason why I formed a relationship with another/a man. From within/as this starting point, I did not question REALity of the relationship from the perspectives of like: ‘can this person/man make an ideal partner for me?, are we compatible as a couple in way that we can support each other in LIVING that which is best for all?  Can we assist and support each other to honor each other as life?, etc. ‘Love at first sight’ was another statement I lived by whereby, based purely on a person’s physical outlook I would instantly love them, and through this starting point of love at first sight, man did I fuck myself, by simply forming a short/long-term relationship within and as the comfort zone of LOVE at first sight, never even for once using my common sense to assess/study/learn who I was/was becoming within and as the relationship I formed by/through love/loving, what kind of a person was it that I was forming a relationship with, the relationships starting point and what kind of consequences I would create for myself. And oh yes, the consequences I did create for myself are quite adverse and I am so greatful that through Desteni and the Desteni I process tools and support, I am able to see this and take responsibility for these consequences that I created.

I not only created consequences for myself but also for the ones I claimed to love. I was so selfish, self-centered for just thinking of ways I can find and remain In love with another no matter the cost simply because I feared being a lone and a relationship was the best way that I would use to hide this fear which brings me to this other statement that I lived ‘you make me feel complete/you complete me’. I did not realize then how deep I had manipulated another/a man to ‘love me back’ until I recently realized just how consequential this has been both to me and the other/ the man. What did I do after the love I had for them ‘died’/run off?, I fell into the opposite polarity of love which is hate, now I hated being in the relationship because now, all of a sudden from the love blindness, I could see that who I had relations with and because I did not like what I ‘saw’ I went into hate, justifying my reason to move onto another relationship, because apparently, I needed to find ‘the one’. In reality, the hate was towards myself, I hated who I had become in the relationship and I blamed the other/the man for this hate I had towards me and thus used it as an excuse to leave the relationship and go look for love elsewhere

What is even more ironic in this is that, I blamed the other person for the running off of my love for them, that they should have tried much harder to make me stay in love with them and now it’s their fault that I am off finding love elsewhere because they can’t give me the loving I need/deserve. What is this if not PURE SELF-CENTEREDNESS? Is it not clear that if I had made what is best for all as my starting point of forming a relationship with another through assessing all angles of the relationship to have only the outcome of that which is best for all, then no one would have to suffer including myself? But what did I do? I made LOVE my starting point, love with all its definitions and its conditions: love is blind, love at first sight, ‘the one’ is the one I love, another loving me will complete me, when you find love you find your missing piece, WOW and the list is endless! Aren’t we all as humanity living by and as these definitions/statements of love? I mean, how many of us humans look for an ideal partner from the starting point of that which is best for all through using common sense to assess all angles of a person/a relationship to ensure that only that which is best for all is the starting point? I would say almost none.

I, just like everyone else has allowed the feelings of love to be the only connection we make to another/a man during a relationship and when this love ends the connection end with it. And so this goes to show that LOVE as we live it is not REAL because it ends, just like any energy feeling, love as energy feeling ends. My oh my, don’t we all just LOVE to LOVE this feeling because it feels so good only in a moment and from within this feelings, I/we derive the illusion that I am /we are complete, safe, secure, cared for and therefore I/we discard the reality of who I/we am/are(which is breath, physicality as the human physical body) and only focus on the illusion because the illusion is so much nicer and easier to get lost within and as than to face/be reality. Because in reality, it is actual work, real work, substantial work that require one to physically move. Thus making it so much easier to remain in the mind illusion of energy because all u have to do is just remain in the energetic feeling, no work needed I mean I don’t have to work physically to put love in my mind or body, it kind of its there and all I have to do is just participate within it, as it.

The desire to have sex was also another point I used love for, in that, I through love, I easily formed a relationship with another so that I could have sex, and am I the only one who has sex while in love? NOOO we all do, very bizarre starting point as well I see here.

Another point that made me end love and hence the relationship and look for another is money. At some point in my life, apparently, love wasn’t enough to stay in a relationship and so I added the money factor to love when I went on, on my quest to find love. Suddenly, a man with money was more attractive and strong than a man without; now physical outlook was no longer a big issue. I remember someone told me, love does not put food on the table, you can’t eat love and so ensure that you consider the aspect of money as well, and love will be like an added bonus. Surely in our world today, very fast the tables are turning where ‘money is the new love’ whereby, nowadays, many people in poverty are or have already formed relationships whereby, the starting point was purely money so that they can survive. Some have ended up marrying/getting married purely for money reasons hence creating adverse consequences.

 

Another point why I loved a person/man is that, I loved it when a person/man can ‘move’ and make things happen, Someone I can look up to, someone who can ‘pull me up’, someone who can motivate me, push me to become more than I am at a particular given moment, an intelligent person/man. When I did not find all this in someone or a man, my love for them ended or I did not find them attractive anymore.

Within love, also existed other dimensions that I wanted in a man like, trust, honesty, faithfulness, family oriented, caring and a good sense of humor. I had many definitions of what love is supposed to be and from within this definitions were many conditions that I looked for before I deemed someone ‘lovable’.

Next Blog Day 35 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 2
 

Day 33: MOOD SWINGS - Part 1

Self Writing:

Early in the morning today, I suddenly was overwhelmed by the urge to vomit. So, as fast as possible, I ran to the bathroom, all that happened is that I ended up spitting a lot of saliva which I was producing as a result of my urge to vomit. I immediately thought I could be pregnant because this is how I felt when I was pregnant with my daughter and the fact that I have my period is now late for 11 days. Since I have some home pregnancy test kits, I peeid on one brand, was negative and on another it was immediately positive. After reading this test, I became unstable through a mixture of emotions. I was excited, sad, happy, anxious, guilty all at the same time.

I went back to bed, my whole body shaking due to extreme fatigue that just swept my entire body. I looked at my daughter who was sleeping next to me, the negative emotions I felt were because I viewed/thought of me being pregnant like I was doing wrong to my daughter as she is still very young and breastfeeding and fully depending on me for literally everything as I am always with her every moment of everyday, and the guilt was especially because I thought it is my fault that I may be bringing another child into this world who will take some of my attention from her. For a moment there also, I had memories of my last pregnancy experience activated, and they are not 'pleasant' memories, in that I wouldn't want to go through such suffering again that I went through in the first 3 months(12 weeks). The positive feelings I felt were due to the thoughts of having another child which I don't mind at all if this happens.

Later on I took another test, and it was negative and here in, I became disappointed due to the thought of seeing myself not pregnant and having a second baby. I had negative imaginations of me in the future dividing my attention between my daughter and 'the maybe baby', which led me into feeling guilty. A positive imagination of me with more children in a bigger home was very exciting. Negative Backchats: I am so sorry crystal for you may be having a sibling who will rob you of all this attention I am giving you, I am not ready for a second child, I need to lose weight before getting pregnant, I am gonna get fat, what is I am not pregnant, ill be disappointed if I am not for sure, all the vomiting and spitting of the first trimester. Positive backchats: a second baby will make my partner so happy. So, on and off, I have been see sawing between positive and negative energetic experience of me and more so in the negative where even my tonality physically changed to at times higher or lower than normal when I was communicating with my partner. At times, I just felt like crying.

It is clear to me that at this point in time, I see clearly that, through this pregnancy point, I did not live the decision that I my partner and I had agreed upon as the directive principle. We had made an agreement that we should not use birth control and that if I happen to become pregnant, that is ok. So clearly, who I am within this decision is the problem, the problem being that I immediately went into reactions mode when I was actually faced by this decision instead of just breathing and standing as this decision completely when its time came.

Day : Mood Swings-Part 2; Self-Forgiveness to be continued....

Day 32 - ANGER IS TOWARDS SELF - Part 3

Self Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to when and as I see myself in awareness participating or about to participate within/as anger, I shall breath and stop myself from participation and instead investigate the origin of my anger/where I am not being self-honest.

I commit myself to after stopping participation within/as anger to investigate my self-dishonesty flags.

I commit myself to assist and support myself become the directive principle of I want to exist within and as in every moment of breath as that which best for all instead of letting anger direct/dictate who I am.

I see, realize and understand that anger existing within and as me is anger I have towards myself for not standing up for myself as life and becoming the directive principle if what I accept and allow to manifest in my world as that which is best for all in every moment of breath through self-honesty and self-forgiveness and hence, I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to live self-honesty in each moment of breath for this is the only way I can avoid anger reactions/experiences.

I commit myself to not exert my anger towards others e.g. thieves, my child, partner etc. for I realize that this is blaming others for my anger because what I experience in my world in every moment of breath is as a result of what I accept and allow through active participation in/as my mind through/as my thoughts, imaginations, backchats and reactions etc. and thus, blaming others is pointless and self-dishonest where in this I sabotage my self-responsibility of being self-honest in looking and seeing who I am existing within and as in every moment of breath and thus changing/aligning my living into that which is best for all through and as self-forgiveness and real practical self-corrective application to bring about this actual change/alignment.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my anger through living self-honesty, self-forgiveness and walking the process of changing myself to no longer exist within/as anger reaction.

I commit myself to assist and support myself not to exert my anger towards the money system through blame and any moment I become aware of myself about to or already participating within anger towards the current money system, I shall stop myself, breath and will not allow myself to participate within this for I realize that, I am equally responsible in creating and manifesting the current money system that doesn’t support all life equally through participation and that if this is to change, I must change for I am equally the problem.

I commit myself to when and as I become aware of myself about to connect the memories of the process it took me last time to get back all my IDs and documents that were stolen to anger, I shall breath and stop myself and will not allow myself to participate and from within this, I commit myself to be here within/as my physical body, breathing and not participating in memories for memories are a way that the mind use to generate energy for itself for survival.
I commit myself to utilizing my imagination on planning how I will practically walk the whole process of replacing that which was stolen instead of using my imagination to further fuel the experience of anger within/as me.

I commit myself take the responsibility of walking the process of replacing my IDs instead of reacting /projecting anger  towards this future event/process simply because I did not want to do it, for I realize that, projecting my anger on the whole process of what is to come is pointless because, regardless of anger, it is a process I must walk in due time and from within this, I commit myself to be here with me in/as my physical body in every moment of breath and in full awareness, direct me in every moment of breath as I walk in/as the process of replacing my IDs.
I commit myself to when and as become aware of myself about to participate within thought of seeing myself walking the whole process of getting my IDs back and difficult it will be, that in turn fuel the anger within/as me, I shall breathe and stop myself from participating within such thoughts.

I commit myself to break the cycle of anger reactions that I have been existing with and as whenever I am faced with the same event of having my belongings stolen, whereby through blame, I exert my anger towards the thief and the whole process involved in replacing  the stolen things for I realize that, blaming others for my anger is me making a statement that I do not want to be self-honest in really investigating why I accept and allow myself to have anger become what I choose to exist within and as, which is just an energetic experience of me which means, in a moment of anger, I am not myself as anger is not who I am.

I commit myself to taking the responsibility of investigating the origin of the anger towards myself through self-honesty instead of blaming it on others.
I commit myself to breath and stop myself from participating within the back chats/internal conversations like; if I catch the thief, I shall really kick his ass, shit, I have to walk all the way to immigration offices, police offices suck etc., which in turn fueled my experience of anger within me, as me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that, whenever I react in/as anger, I compromise/sabotage my self responsibility towards me whereby I use this anger as a scapegoat from facing me and dealing with whatever I encounter in each moment of breath in and as self-honesty and applying self-forgiveness and that each moment I react/participate within/as anger, I am not being self-honest.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself in seeing realizing and understanding that anger is an energy generated in the mind for its survival and that any moment I participate/exist within/as anger, I shall become this energetic experience of anger and that this will be the experience of me, just energy but not a real physical substantial being living and expressing within and as the physical body in and as this physical world in every moment of breath, because physicality is what is real and energy is just an illusion, I will no longer accept and allow myself to exist within and as an illusion.

Day 31 - ANGER IS TOWARDS SELF - Part 2

Self Forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ANGER existing within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within/as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose existing with/as anger towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anger direct/dictate who I am instead of me directing me as the very living directive principle of what happens in my world, who I exist within/as in every moment of breath as that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see realize and understand that, all the anger that exists within/as myself is anger I hold/have towards myself for not being self-honest in facing who I am, who I have become, my nature, a nature of self-interest that doesn’t support that which is best for all life through exemplary living, to make it worse, I do know where/when I am being self-deceptive, how to change this but I still prefer to dwell in the self-deceptive ways rather than change and hence have become ashamed and angry towards myself for having let down myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger on others e.g. my daughter and the thief for I realize that they have nothing to do with me getting angry but that this is anger towards myself, anger as myself, and that exerting my anger on others is like saying to myself that I choose not to take self-responsibility of really getting down to the root this anger I have towards me as me through self-honesty and then applying  self-forgiveness and instead will blame others for my mistakes.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself  to see, realize and understand that exerting anger on others  is me stating that I am blaming others for what I am experiencing within me in and as my world (in this case, anger) and so from within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to see that who I am in every moment of breath is as a result of what I accept and allow through active participation in/as my mind through thoughts, imaginations,  feelings, emotions, memories etc. and thus, blaming others is pointless and self-dishonest where I choose not to face myself and the anger within me and apply self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that anger exists within/as me because I have not allowed myself to take self-responsibility for me/myself in living self-honesty in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards the thief/thieves hence from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger towards the thief/thieves through blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger towards the money system through blame and from within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t seen realize or understood that, through participation, I am equally responsible in the creation of the current money system which does not support all beings equally including the thief hence leading others to steal for survival and so if the world system as the money system has to change and support all life equally, I must become this change because, I am the problem as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the memories of the process it took me last time to get all my documents/IDs back the last time I lost them to anger existing within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within/as anger imagine how long the process of getting my IDs back would be instead of utilizing imagination and memories to practically plan on how I am physically going to walk the process of having back/replace all that was stolen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself project anger towards the future event of getting my IDs back through thinking of how long and tedious the whole process will be and ‘I just did not want to do it’ was the main point why I became angry, for I see that I was not willing to take responsibility for myself in getting back all my IDs that were stolen and that anger was absolutely unnecessary because whether I liked or not, walking the whole process of getting my IDs back was a must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in/as anger when I thought of and imagined the whole process it will take me to get back/replace my stuff that was stolen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having reacted in/as anger in the past when I was faced by the same event of having my purse stolen, losing all my important IDs and the process it took for me to get everything back and so from within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand there exists within me this cycle of reacting in anger through blame when I am faced by the same events.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as the thought of seeing myself going through the whole process of getting my IDs back reacted in/as anger, blaming the process for my anger hence sabotaging my self responsibility in/as self-honesty in investigating the origin of this anger towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within/as internal conversations/voices in my head/back chats like; if I catch the thief, I shall really kick his ass, shit, I have to walk all the way to immigration offices, police offices suck etc., which in turn fueled my experience of anger within me, as me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that, anger reactions is just a form of mechanism I use to compromise my responsibility towards me, to face me and deal with whatever I encounter in each moment of breath in/as self-honesty and that each moment I react/participate within/as anger, I am not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that anger is just a way that the mind uses to generate energy through inner conflict for its own survival and that me participating within/as anger becomes what I accept and allow myself to exist within and as which is just an energetic experience of me and not a real physical substantial being who is here within/as my physical body physically moving me in and as every moment of breath to practically accomplish the whole process of replacing my IDs instead of dwelling in anger which gets me nowhere.

Next Blog, Day 32 - ANGER IS TOWARDS SELF - Part 3; Self Commitment Statements