Day 33: MOOD SWINGS - Part 1

Self Writing:

Early in the morning today, I suddenly was overwhelmed by the urge to vomit. So, as fast as possible, I ran to the bathroom, all that happened is that I ended up spitting a lot of saliva which I was producing as a result of my urge to vomit. I immediately thought I could be pregnant because this is how I felt when I was pregnant with my daughter and the fact that I have my period is now late for 11 days. Since I have some home pregnancy test kits, I peeid on one brand, was negative and on another it was immediately positive. After reading this test, I became unstable through a mixture of emotions. I was excited, sad, happy, anxious, guilty all at the same time.

I went back to bed, my whole body shaking due to extreme fatigue that just swept my entire body. I looked at my daughter who was sleeping next to me, the negative emotions I felt were because I viewed/thought of me being pregnant like I was doing wrong to my daughter as she is still very young and breastfeeding and fully depending on me for literally everything as I am always with her every moment of everyday, and the guilt was especially because I thought it is my fault that I may be bringing another child into this world who will take some of my attention from her. For a moment there also, I had memories of my last pregnancy experience activated, and they are not 'pleasant' memories, in that I wouldn't want to go through such suffering again that I went through in the first 3 months(12 weeks). The positive feelings I felt were due to the thoughts of having another child which I don't mind at all if this happens.

Later on I took another test, and it was negative and here in, I became disappointed due to the thought of seeing myself not pregnant and having a second baby. I had negative imaginations of me in the future dividing my attention between my daughter and 'the maybe baby', which led me into feeling guilty. A positive imagination of me with more children in a bigger home was very exciting. Negative Backchats: I am so sorry crystal for you may be having a sibling who will rob you of all this attention I am giving you, I am not ready for a second child, I need to lose weight before getting pregnant, I am gonna get fat, what is I am not pregnant, ill be disappointed if I am not for sure, all the vomiting and spitting of the first trimester. Positive backchats: a second baby will make my partner so happy. So, on and off, I have been see sawing between positive and negative energetic experience of me and more so in the negative where even my tonality physically changed to at times higher or lower than normal when I was communicating with my partner. At times, I just felt like crying.

It is clear to me that at this point in time, I see clearly that, through this pregnancy point, I did not live the decision that I my partner and I had agreed upon as the directive principle. We had made an agreement that we should not use birth control and that if I happen to become pregnant, that is ok. So clearly, who I am within this decision is the problem, the problem being that I immediately went into reactions mode when I was actually faced by this decision instead of just breathing and standing as this decision completely when its time came.

Day : Mood Swings-Part 2; Self-Forgiveness to be continued....