DAY 10: CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE! - Part 1

SELF WRITING

Some time back, I was on holiday with my partner and all my family members. At some point we went swimming at the beach but because I had a very bad cold, I couldn’t swim. I instead sat somewhere on the shore and watched the others as they swam. Suddenly I noticed women flocking and surrounding my partner and he seemed to have been enjoying the attention from this women very much.  I admit I was embarrassed by this scenario as I quickly begun thinking and imagining my other family members reactions towards this scenario as well. I began wondering what they might think about my relationship towards my partner, I feared that they would see me as a failure, a person who cannot take care of her world in terms of being in a relationship with my partner. It was also embarrassing to think what others may now think of my partner.  I felt like I had lost control over this scenario and my partner as I could not make him stop embarrassing me. After this is when I had an intense emotional breakdown and begun to cry and throw tantrums when I realized that I can’t control the scenario or my partner. I wanted to jump into the water with my clothes on and ‘kick those women’s’ asses’ (out of jelousy) but I decided not to.

The existence of embarrassment within myself only shows that I fear losing control over my relationships, I fear making changes within myself and that’s why I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to be in control of something/someone/relationships so that nothing has to change. Within this embarrassment also reveals the point that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me, the point whereby certain people have to live in my world as I want them to be so that I can make sure that I don’t have to change. Within me also exists the fact that I have gone and defined myself within certain people/situations/relationships outside myself and then I end up fearing that my world will change or collapse if I was to lose this part of myself that I have defined as myself ‘out there’ in this people/things/situations/relationships within my world.

SELF FORGIVENESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing because of what others may think of me if I change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my husband as someone that exists as separate from me and my believe thereof that if he were to go, a part of me would go too/my world will change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the changes that I would have to make if my partner stops being with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate changing myself with failure of not taking control of my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who will become if I change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being independent if my partner was to leave me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw tantrums when I lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate losing control over someone/something/relationship to jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in jealousy towards other women when I see them seeking and getting attention from my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because my partner stops being with me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize that, that which I fear losing if I change may actually be the very thing is standing in my way to self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connecting self-change to the fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I fear losing if I change is the actual thing that I may lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control something/something/my relationships to others due to the fear of changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through manipulation so that they remain how I want them to remain in my world so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed when something happens that may change others perception of me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that embarrassment is an indicator that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

 Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that, if I change, I may lose part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing part of myself if I change’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changes in people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘changes in the people who are around me’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react if I change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘how others will react if I change’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money if change was to happen in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having money if change was to happen in my world’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that changing is difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘changing is difficult’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘I am not able to change’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changes in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘changes in my environment’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing for I may lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘changing for I may lose control’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as I may be seen as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘I may be seen as weak’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as I may not be accepted by society as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘I may not be accepted by society as normal’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because society may attack and isolate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘society may attack and isolate me’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my family and friends will reject me if I change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘family and friends will reject me’ to fear and thus - I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.