Day 54: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 2

SELF-FORGIVENESS AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the fear of loss within me which was triggered by Bernard’s Death.  I realize that, Bernard’s death acted as a trigger point for me to see, realize and understand that, I still live within and as the definition of the fear of loss. But, what do I actually fear losing? MYSELF as whom I have defined myself to exist within and as in terms of an energy being. I fear losing myself as energy for I do not know whom I will be/become without energy. I have never lived anything else apart from self as mind energy. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself as energy. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, there’s a self/a me that exists beyond energy and definitions and that this self as me if always HERE, Present in and as AWARENESS of each single breath and that, this is the me I should be existing within and as because Here I am real, constant, consistent, physical hence trustworthy and not energy that keeps changing and hence cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extensively react in anxiety after Bernard’s death which lead me to having an anxiety attack. I realize that, this anxiety was brought about by my participation within the thoughts of who and what I will be after I die which is actually an extensive fear of loss/losing myself definition within and as death. Looking closely, I see, realize and understand that I am only fearing the death of who and what I have defined myself within and as, as this definitions is all that I know myself to be and live by, within and as, hence fear losing.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to breath and stop myself from participating within any form of thoughts that that trigger anxiety within me, thoughts like dying in a certain way, losing myself after I die, who will I be if I die, for I see, realize and understand that, these thoughts are the fuel for my anxiety attacks as immense fear towards death as fear of loss.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that, who I am is not defined by energy as any thoughts, imaginations, backchats or reactions but that who I am is always HERE, present in awareness within and as my physical body in my every moment of breath. From within this, I commit myself to walk my process of self-writing, self-honesty and living my commitments in a way that I do not accept and allow anything less than who I am here in and as my physical body within every moment of breath as my very own directive principle.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating within my minds anxiety attacks energy games for I see, realize and understand that this is pure self-dishonesty where I do not take responsibility for myself/my life as my very own directive principle of and as the starting point of what is best for all, but leave it to my mind to direct me which is basically self-interest where I end up reacting extensively to my fears in the form of anxiety attacks. I commit myself to assist and support myself to breath and stop myself from participating in anxiety before it builds up into an attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alter the stability of my physical body  from stability to instability when I accept and allow myself to participate within and as anxiety whereby my heart races as fast as ever, my entire body begins to tremble/shiver, I sweat profusely, I get nauseous, my body temperature increases to what feels like hot flashes/I feel like am burning up and there’s a wave of pain that sweeps through my entire body up and down, sideways and everywhere, also I feel like I am unable to breath properly like there’s something strangling me/chocking me. From herein comes a fear that I am about to die from a heart attack due to my heart beating so fast or death from not being able to breath properly. All this fuels my anxiety to the point where I completely lose control of reality as my mind takes over my body completely to resource energy from its survival.

From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject my body to pain, to crucify my body for the glorification/survival of my mind, not seeing, realizing or understanding that my physical is a living being, fully aware of itself and its functioning and hence capable of experiencing the pain during and when I subject it to mind reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself during an anxiety attack whereby I enter the ‘I give up’ mode, or I say to myself that ‘this is too overwhelming for me to deal with’, hence I give up on breathing especially when I do it and it and does not work. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and give into energy as I find giving up on myself to be much easier than to actually stand up for myself from within and as anxiety, I realize that, the reason why I easily give up on myself and give into mind energy as anxiety is because, in all my life, I have just defined myself as mind energy, I know myself as mind energy, I do not know who I am or can become without mind energy and hence I find it much easier to succumb to mind energy than just standing up for myself and taking self-responsibility for myself instead of letting my mind be responsible for me at the sacrifice of my physical body.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to always consider the stability of my physical body as just  being aware, here, Breathing within and as my physical body in any given moment and to ensure that, any movement is done by myself as the living directive principle in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to become my own directive principle through taking responsibility for all aspects of my life by living that which is best for all and that I will not abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind for I realize that, I as mind is only existing within and as self-interest caring only for own survival even at the sacrifice of another as life including my physical body. This is simply unacceptable.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to flag out the very moment when anxiety starts building up within me, to in this moment to do the 4 count breath whereby I take in a deep stomach in breath, hold it 4 counts and then release through an out breath. I commit myself to do this 4 times after which I shall do fast breathing from my chest area to release any built up energy. I shall do this several times after which I shall embark on normal breathing. Whenever I find that my breath utilization is not effective, I commit myself to write out whatever points that come up during moments of anxiety flagging all points of fear as thoughts, imaginations, backchats, reactions and physical changes and immediately apply self-forgiveness so as not to go too deep into the anxiety to the point where in becomes an overwhelming attack.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to not give up on myself and give into the energy of anxiety no matter what.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to always remain here within and as the stability of my physical body and whenever I notice and physical body changes within me, I shall breath and immediately investigate why it is that I accepted and allowed  myself to participate within and as that lead to the manifestation of physical body instability as consequence, for I realize that, when my physical body’s stability is altered in any way, it is because of consequences that already have manifested from something that I accepted and allowed to happen through active participation.

Day 55: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 3