After reading the news about Bernard’s death, I was shocked.
I felt this deep sense of loss and sadness. It is from within this that I began
to cry for a while. Fortunately for me, I opened my email just before the time
for the leadership forum chat and the group helped me stabilize at that
particular moment. After the chat, while
in bed, I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking and asking myself why he had to
leave so soon despite the fact that he was a major assistance and support point
to everyone. I would see-saw between positive and negative reactions within and
as energy through all the questions I asked. Within me was also some regret why
I never utilized the opportunity of having him around effectively in my
process.
On Monday, I willed myself to cry to release the energy that
I had built up. And so I cried for a while. Afterwards, my family and I decided
to do some physical activities together in order to ground us more into the
physical and step out of the mind polarity game. We spent most of the day doing
outdoor activities.
Evening came, had dinner and it was time for bed. I however
dreaded the idea of going to bed because I was not sleepy despite my body being
tired. And I couldn’t sleep. I was just lying in my bed, stable, breathing and
after sometime, I drifted to sleep. This was short lived as I woke up to an
anxiety attack. From here fear of death came in, I was so afraid of the thought
of Bernard’s dying. I feared how we shall move on as a group and as an
individual, how the whole of existence is going to be able to transcend without
Bernard. I really was breathing to
release this anxiety attack but as time went by, by morning, it had accumulated
so much that I was sweating profusely and my heart beat had skyrocketed. I was
also trembling so bad that to me this was a state of emergency. I called the doctor immediately and scheduled
an appointment. Doctor ruled that it was anxiety attack and gave me some medication
to calm me down, he also explained to me that, medication is not the answer but
that I must face and take responsibility for what it was that I was accepting
and allowing happening in my mind to cause such an unstable outcome. So we left
for home, took half a tablet and went to bed. I did calm down and rested my
body for a short while into stability. Later on, I investigated what I was busy
accepting and allowing to exist within and as me that lead me to this point.
Here is what I found:
·
I
felt anger towards Bernard for dying so soon and so suddenly. I was angry that
I thought he did not consider the outcome/consequences of his death, the
consequences this will have on the whole of existence’s process, individually
and collectively.
·
I
was disappointed at myself for not having utilized the opportunity I had more
effectively when he was still here as Bernard.
·
And
then there was definitely the fear I had of the process ahead. I feared that I won’t
make it, that we may not make it.
·
I
was sad because I now don’t have the opportunity to meet Bernard in person and
have a word with him face to face. We wanted to visit the farm many times but
we couldn’t due to current situation at a given time. We did make a commitment to visit the farm
later this year and get to meet everyone at the farm including Bernard.
·
Bernard’s
death triggered sadness and a feeling of deep loss within me.
·
I
also triggered the fear of death within me. This is the main part from where my
anxiety attack came from. From within and as the fear of death was other fears
like, the fear of what will become of me after I am physically dead, the fear
of ceasing to exist after I die.
Day 54: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 2
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