Day 39 - ''I TRUSTED YOU'' - Part 1

Self Writing

I recently was involved in a situation whereby, I needed someone to support me achieve something. And so I sent a large sum of money to these persons trusting the persons to assist me in having some needs met. These are persons who are very close to me and have known for quite some time and so I thought I could trust them. I have had other trust issues in the past with them but I just thought this time, I could trust them because it is this was a different situation. Well, all that I had expected from them did not happen and so I ended up losing all the money. Turns out that they had also trusted someone else and that person let them down. This was like a long chain of trust issues.

So what came up were memories of the last time my trust was violated by the same people. So I began asking myself why I keep trusting the same people who over and over again have violated my trust. And this is what I found within myself while looking at me within and as self-honesty.

I realized that my starting point was manipulation. I was manipulating others through trust so that I can have control over them. By having control over them made me feel needed, by them and so I thought by me trusting others will make them like me and because I felt good when I was liked, I kept manipulating  the same people through trusting them so that they can like me and TRUST ME as well., and thus I remained in my ‘feel good’ energy which is self-interest.

I realized that, these people kept deceiving me by violating my trust for them because I was equally deceiving myself by placing trust in others outside myself, instead of trusting me, having self-trust.

I realized that, despite the memories of others deceiving me by violating my trust, I still wanted to like give them a chance of earning my trust by trusting them again. Within this, it became evident how I used memories of my previous trust issues with others to base my decision of and as the justification of why I should keep trusting the same people again by giving them a chance to redeem themselves by proving that they can be trusted again by me.

I realized I was relying so much on my mind to tell me what to do and who to be and become in any given situation so much to the point that, I completely disregarded the reality who I was within and as the starting point of trust.

I realized that I felt betrayed by these people and thus became angry and disappointed towards them for betraying my trust for them.

I had backchats like; I wish I knew this would happen, I will never trust others again.

Day 40 - ''I TRUSTED YOU'' - Part 2