Day 30 - ANGER IS TOWARDS SELF - Part 1

SEFF-WRITTING

I had a doctor’s appointment on this day from which I planned to go a little shopping. And so, off I went to the shopping mall with my daughter. Once inside, I begun the usual shopping stuff like checking out the clothes I like, then go try them on and see if they fit me properly. There were quite a number of people inside shopping the mall as well. My daughter was crying but I did not really pay much attention, just kept asking her to allow me to shop and then tend to her afterwards, she did not stop and so I picked her up from her stroller, kissed her and reassured her that am here with her. So I finished picking all that I needed and headed to the changing room and there is when I noticed my purse was missing. I did panic because in my purse was some cash, my phone, ID card, health insurance cards, GA etc. a lady close by having noticed that I was curiously looking for something asked me what was the matter and I told her that someone must have stolen my purse. I borrowed her phone to call mine and it went straight to voice mail, that when I knew for sure that this was an act of theft.

I almost begun to cry when I imagined the whole process am gonna go through to get all the necessary things back. I was a confused mess, I was angry at/towards the thief. My daughter was crying even louder and this agitated me even more and I found myself shouting at her asking her to stop crying and that her crying is what cost me my purse (I presumed that when I picked her up as she cried is when my purse was stolen because I put all my attention on her and not the stroller where my purse was), so I blame her as well. I immediately went out of the shopping mall, crossed the road and went straight to the Swisscom (my mobile phone contractor) shop to check if they can help me switch off/disable the phone and then track it. While inside I waited for my turn and as I explained what had just happened, I burst out crying as I released my anger through crying. The Swisscom man explained to me what can and cannot be done and so afterwards, I went straight home. As I walked home, I had calmed and stabilized myself through breathing and a little crying.

 I kept thinking of how stupid I was not paying close attention and guarding my belongings/purse. I felt bad that now I have to spend money to buy a new phone, which was currently not in our budget and that this phone money would have assisted us fulfill other important needs. I imagined how it would have been better to have just gone home straight from the doctor’s appointment. I also imagined that if I had bought a certain face cream that I wanted to buy after coming from the doctor, then I would have had less cash stolen. I was like ‘I should have just stuck to my plan of buying the face cream instead of changing the plan for later’. I had back chats like, ‘I hope the thief just takes the money, phone and returns my IDs, this thief has really pissed me off! I could kick his ass`. Memories of what it took last time to get my important cards and IDs also flooded my mind and I got agitated as it was time consuming and coasted little money, I did not want to go through the whole process again.
So from within all this, I clearly see that anger exists within and as who I am/me/myself. That my purse being stolen was the trigger point of my reaction in/as anger. That in the moment when I realized that my purse had been stolen, instead of breathing and remaining here and clearly access the situation and plan then on how to go about it, I instead chose to exist with and as anger where I physically manifested this anger through outbursts, my body physically shaking and crying. I see how I blamed others (my daughter and the thief) for my anger while they had nothing to do with it and that this anger has always existed within me towards me as me and that the incident was just to show me that I have anger issues of/as myself that I need to face and deal with. I also see that within me exists other dimensions of the same anger (that of anger towards myself) like for example, in my memory and imagination of  the process I had to go through to get all my ID cards after losing them in  another time a time in which I also reacted in and as anger towards the event and the whole process of getting the IDs, and now I have to go through the same process and this time, I am again already existing within/as, projecting anger towards this whole process ahead. I played the anger card again when I imagined that I would have lost less cash had I stuck to my plan of buying the face cream before I went shopping. It is clear that I participated within and as other dimensions of anger: thoughts, imaginations, back chats, memories. Back chats of me cursing the thief, cursing the process of getting my IDs back, wishing I could rewind time and watch this not happening just fueled the anger within and as me. From within this, I shall do Self Forgiveness.

Next Blog, Day 31 - ANGER IS TOWARDS SELF: Self Forgiveness