self writing
‘I would like someone
who LOVES ME and appreciates me for me, I want to find love’, isn’t this
just what every woman/person dreams/has dreamt of? Aren’t almost all
relationships starting point LOVE? Well, I, just like all other people who have
ever been/will be ‘in love’, have fallen into this trap, the trap of love. This
is also ‘sugar coated’ even more by the statement ‘love is blind’.
Well I fell into all this traps in my quest for
love. Love became the driving force behind the reason why I formed a
relationship with another/a man. From within/as this starting point, I did not
question REALity of the relationship from the perspectives of like: ‘can this
person/man make an ideal partner for me?, are we compatible as a couple in way
that we can support each other in LIVING that which is best for all? Can we assist and support each other to honor
each other as life?, etc. ‘Love at first sight’ was another statement I lived
by whereby, based purely on a person’s physical outlook I would instantly love
them, and through this starting point of love at first sight, man did I fuck
myself, by simply forming a short/long-term relationship within and as the
comfort zone of LOVE at first sight, never even for once using my common sense
to assess/study/learn who I was/was becoming within and as the relationship I
formed by/through love/loving, what kind of a person was it that I was forming
a relationship with, the relationships starting point and what kind of consequences
I would create for myself. And oh yes, the consequences I did create for myself
are quite adverse and I am so greatful that through Desteni and the Desteni I process tools and support, I am able to see this and take responsibility for
these consequences that I created.
I not only created consequences for myself but also for the
ones I claimed to love. I was so selfish, self-centered for just thinking of
ways I can find and remain In love with another no matter the cost simply
because I feared being a lone and a relationship was the best way that I would
use to hide this fear which brings me to this other statement that I lived ‘you
make me feel complete/you complete me’. I did not realize then how deep I had
manipulated another/a man to ‘love me back’ until I recently realized just how
consequential this has been both to me and the other/ the man. What did I do
after the love I had for them ‘died’/run off?, I fell into the opposite polarity
of love which is hate, now I hated being in the relationship because now, all
of a sudden from the love blindness, I could see that who I had relations with
and because I did not like what I ‘saw’ I went into hate, justifying my reason
to move onto another relationship, because apparently, I needed to find ‘the one’. In reality, the hate was
towards myself, I hated who I had become in the relationship and I blamed the
other/the man for this hate I had towards me and thus used it as an excuse to
leave the relationship and go look for love elsewhere
What is even more ironic in this is that, I blamed the other
person for the running off of my love for them, that they should have tried
much harder to make me stay in love with them and now it’s their fault that I
am off finding love elsewhere because they can’t give me the loving I
need/deserve. What is this if not PURE SELF-CENTEREDNESS? Is it not clear that
if I had made what is best for all as my starting point of forming a
relationship with another through assessing all angles of the relationship to
have only the outcome of that which is best for all, then no one would have to
suffer including myself? But what did I do? I made LOVE my starting point, love
with all its definitions and its conditions: love is blind, love at first
sight, ‘the one’ is the one I love, another loving me will complete me, when
you find love you find your missing piece, WOW and the list is endless! Aren’t
we all as humanity living by and as these definitions/statements of love? I
mean, how many of us humans look for an ideal partner from the starting point
of that which is best for all through using common sense to assess all angles
of a person/a relationship to ensure that only that which is best for all is
the starting point? I would say almost none.
I, just like everyone else has allowed the feelings of love
to be the only connection we make to another/a man during a relationship and
when this love ends the connection end with it. And so this goes to show that
LOVE as we live it is not REAL because it ends, just like any energy feeling,
love as energy feeling ends. My oh my, don’t we all just LOVE to LOVE this
feeling because it feels so good only in a moment and from within this
feelings, I/we derive the illusion that I am /we are complete, safe, secure,
cared for and therefore I/we discard the reality of who I/we am/are(which is
breath, physicality as the human physical body) and only focus on the illusion
because the illusion is so much nicer and easier to get lost within and as than
to face/be reality. Because in reality, it is actual work, real work,
substantial work that require one to physically move. Thus making it so much
easier to remain in the mind illusion of energy because all u have to do is
just remain in the energetic feeling, no work needed I mean I don’t have to
work physically to put love in my mind or body, it kind of its there and all I
have to do is just participate within it, as it.
The desire to have sex was also another point I used love
for, in that, I through love, I easily formed a relationship with another so
that I could have sex, and am I the only one who has sex while in love? NOOO we
all do, very bizarre starting point as well I see here.
Another point that made me end love and hence the relationship
and look for another is money. At some point in my life, apparently, love
wasn’t enough to stay in a relationship and so I added the money factor to love
when I went on, on my quest to find love. Suddenly, a man with money was more
attractive and strong than a man without; now physical outlook was no longer a
big issue. I remember someone told me, love does not put food on the table, you
can’t eat love and so ensure that you consider the aspect of money as well, and
love will be like an added bonus. Surely in our world today, very fast the
tables are turning where ‘money is the new love’ whereby, nowadays, many people
in poverty are or have already formed relationships whereby, the starting point
was purely money so that they can survive. Some have ended up marrying/getting
married purely for money reasons hence creating adverse consequences.
Another point why I loved a person/man is that, I loved it
when a person/man can ‘move’ and make things happen, Someone I can look up to, someone
who can ‘pull me up’, someone who can motivate me, push me to become more than
I am at a particular given moment, an intelligent person/man. When I did not
find all this in someone or a man, my love for them ended or I did not find
them attractive anymore.
Within love, also existed other dimensions that I wanted in a
man like, trust, honesty, faithfulness, family oriented, caring and a good
sense of humor. I had many definitions of what love is supposed to be and from
within this definitions were many conditions that I looked for before I deemed
someone ‘lovable’.
Next Blog Day 35 - DECEIVED BY LOVE - Part 2
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