Day 55: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 3

SELF-FORGIVENESS AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS Continued....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my fear as anxiety with fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect anxiety to fear. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to any moment when I find myself about to react in anxiety; I shall immediately BREATH and STOP myself from participating any further.

I commit myself to always breathe no matter how long it will take until I am completely stable and free from any anxiety reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my feeling of a deep sense of loss to Bernard death. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Bernard/another as a point of superiority outside myself for I realize that this is separation and in fact loss whereby I am the loser when I lock myself out of life as  all as equal as one by separating myself into and as my mind.

I realize that, I had defined Bernard as a point outside of myself and therefore, indicating a point of separation whereby, I regarded him as Superior than me when all the while, he and I were/still  are simply equals. Bernard, having embodied and lived the principle of equality and oneness was in his very essence life itself in the flesh. This is why I felt a deep sense of loss when he died, like a void was left in me by his passing. I realize that, the moment accepted and allowed myself to live in separation of  from Bernard or anyone else or everything else AS LIFE, simply indicated that I had already lost the point of equality and oneness from all because all is me as life, equal and one even though in different expressions. Thus this deep sense of loss to me is an indication of the loss that I have always had/felt, an emptiness that manifested the moment I separated myself from life as the equality and oneness that is HERE and that, for me to recover from this loss, I commit myself to walk my process of self honesty, self-writing, self-forgiveness all the way to physically correcting/changing myself from living in separation to equality and oneness with and as what is here by becoming and living myself as THE LIVING PRINCIPLE OF AND AS LIFE IN EQUALITY AND ONENESS AS THAT WHICH IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my process to fear, whereby, I projected myself far into the future where I saw myself not making it, now I see, realize and understand that, my process is all about what is HERE and who I am within my process HERE in every moment of breath as Directive Principle as what’s best for all and that, future projections are of the mind and not real and thus, generating this fear is also not real but simply a mind game to sabotage my process of walking HERE as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my minds future projections hence living in and as future projections instead of living here as Breathe within and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, the only one afraid of not making it, the only one that must die is me as a mind consciousness system, me as the ‘I’ of the mind so that who I am as life can step forth as the very living directive principle of and as what’s best for all life. ‘I’ as mind to ‘EYE’ as the physical.

I commit myself to step out of my mind as future projections of myself through imagination and stepping into the hereness of breath from within which I shall moment by moment direct my world by always using my physical ‘eye’ to see and consider all life in equality and oneness as I play my active role of a responsible human being that’s acts and lives only that which is best for all life, for all life is myself in equality and oneness.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to breath and stop myself from participating within and as any mind games as future projections for I realize that, the certainty of who I am and everything I can be is always HERE within and as each moment of breath and not in a far future. From within this, I commit myself to stop waiting for my mind to make decisions for me of who I can be in the future but that I will take responsibility in the Here for myself by becoming my very own self movement within and as directing myself as a living principle that considers all life in equality and oneness as that which is best for all.

Day 56: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 4

Day 54: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 2

SELF-FORGIVENESS AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the fear of loss within me which was triggered by Bernard’s Death.  I realize that, Bernard’s death acted as a trigger point for me to see, realize and understand that, I still live within and as the definition of the fear of loss. But, what do I actually fear losing? MYSELF as whom I have defined myself to exist within and as in terms of an energy being. I fear losing myself as energy for I do not know whom I will be/become without energy. I have never lived anything else apart from self as mind energy. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself as energy. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, there’s a self/a me that exists beyond energy and definitions and that this self as me if always HERE, Present in and as AWARENESS of each single breath and that, this is the me I should be existing within and as because Here I am real, constant, consistent, physical hence trustworthy and not energy that keeps changing and hence cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extensively react in anxiety after Bernard’s death which lead me to having an anxiety attack. I realize that, this anxiety was brought about by my participation within the thoughts of who and what I will be after I die which is actually an extensive fear of loss/losing myself definition within and as death. Looking closely, I see, realize and understand that I am only fearing the death of who and what I have defined myself within and as, as this definitions is all that I know myself to be and live by, within and as, hence fear losing.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to breath and stop myself from participating within any form of thoughts that that trigger anxiety within me, thoughts like dying in a certain way, losing myself after I die, who will I be if I die, for I see, realize and understand that, these thoughts are the fuel for my anxiety attacks as immense fear towards death as fear of loss.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that, who I am is not defined by energy as any thoughts, imaginations, backchats or reactions but that who I am is always HERE, present in awareness within and as my physical body in my every moment of breath. From within this, I commit myself to walk my process of self-writing, self-honesty and living my commitments in a way that I do not accept and allow anything less than who I am here in and as my physical body within every moment of breath as my very own directive principle.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating within my minds anxiety attacks energy games for I see, realize and understand that this is pure self-dishonesty where I do not take responsibility for myself/my life as my very own directive principle of and as the starting point of what is best for all, but leave it to my mind to direct me which is basically self-interest where I end up reacting extensively to my fears in the form of anxiety attacks. I commit myself to assist and support myself to breath and stop myself from participating in anxiety before it builds up into an attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alter the stability of my physical body  from stability to instability when I accept and allow myself to participate within and as anxiety whereby my heart races as fast as ever, my entire body begins to tremble/shiver, I sweat profusely, I get nauseous, my body temperature increases to what feels like hot flashes/I feel like am burning up and there’s a wave of pain that sweeps through my entire body up and down, sideways and everywhere, also I feel like I am unable to breath properly like there’s something strangling me/chocking me. From herein comes a fear that I am about to die from a heart attack due to my heart beating so fast or death from not being able to breath properly. All this fuels my anxiety to the point where I completely lose control of reality as my mind takes over my body completely to resource energy from its survival.

From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject my body to pain, to crucify my body for the glorification/survival of my mind, not seeing, realizing or understanding that my physical is a living being, fully aware of itself and its functioning and hence capable of experiencing the pain during and when I subject it to mind reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself during an anxiety attack whereby I enter the ‘I give up’ mode, or I say to myself that ‘this is too overwhelming for me to deal with’, hence I give up on breathing especially when I do it and it and does not work. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and give into energy as I find giving up on myself to be much easier than to actually stand up for myself from within and as anxiety, I realize that, the reason why I easily give up on myself and give into mind energy as anxiety is because, in all my life, I have just defined myself as mind energy, I know myself as mind energy, I do not know who I am or can become without mind energy and hence I find it much easier to succumb to mind energy than just standing up for myself and taking self-responsibility for myself instead of letting my mind be responsible for me at the sacrifice of my physical body.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to always consider the stability of my physical body as just  being aware, here, Breathing within and as my physical body in any given moment and to ensure that, any movement is done by myself as the living directive principle in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to become my own directive principle through taking responsibility for all aspects of my life by living that which is best for all and that I will not abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind for I realize that, I as mind is only existing within and as self-interest caring only for own survival even at the sacrifice of another as life including my physical body. This is simply unacceptable.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to flag out the very moment when anxiety starts building up within me, to in this moment to do the 4 count breath whereby I take in a deep stomach in breath, hold it 4 counts and then release through an out breath. I commit myself to do this 4 times after which I shall do fast breathing from my chest area to release any built up energy. I shall do this several times after which I shall embark on normal breathing. Whenever I find that my breath utilization is not effective, I commit myself to write out whatever points that come up during moments of anxiety flagging all points of fear as thoughts, imaginations, backchats, reactions and physical changes and immediately apply self-forgiveness so as not to go too deep into the anxiety to the point where in becomes an overwhelming attack.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to not give up on myself and give into the energy of anxiety no matter what.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to always remain here within and as the stability of my physical body and whenever I notice and physical body changes within me, I shall breath and immediately investigate why it is that I accepted and allowed  myself to participate within and as that lead to the manifestation of physical body instability as consequence, for I realize that, when my physical body’s stability is altered in any way, it is because of consequences that already have manifested from something that I accepted and allowed to happen through active participation.

Day 55: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 3

DAY 53: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 1.

After reading the news about Bernard’s death, I was shocked. I felt this deep sense of loss and sadness. It is from within this that I began to cry for a while. Fortunately for me, I opened my email just before the time for the leadership forum chat and the group helped me stabilize at that particular moment.  After the chat, while in bed, I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking and asking myself why he had to leave so soon despite the fact that he was a major assistance and support point to everyone. I would see-saw between positive and negative reactions within and as energy through all the questions I asked. Within me was also some regret why I never utilized the opportunity of having him around effectively in my process.

On Monday, I willed myself to cry to release the energy that I had built up. And so I cried for a while. Afterwards, my family and I decided to do some physical activities together in order to ground us more into the physical and step out of the mind polarity game. We spent most of the day doing outdoor activities.

Evening came, had dinner and it was time for bed. I however dreaded the idea of going to bed because I was not sleepy despite my body being tired. And I couldn’t sleep. I was just lying in my bed, stable, breathing and after sometime, I drifted to sleep. This was short lived as I woke up to an anxiety attack. From here fear of death came in, I was so afraid of the thought of Bernard’s dying. I feared how we shall move on as a group and as an individual, how the whole of existence is going to be able to transcend without Bernard.  I really was breathing to release this anxiety attack but as time went by, by morning, it had accumulated so much that I was sweating profusely and my heart beat had skyrocketed. I was also trembling so bad that to me this was a state of emergency.  I called the doctor immediately and scheduled an appointment. Doctor ruled that it was anxiety attack and gave me some medication to calm me down, he also explained to me that, medication is not the answer but that I must face and take responsibility for what it was that I was accepting and allowing happening in my mind to cause such an unstable outcome. So we left for home, took half a tablet and went to bed. I did calm down and rested my body for a short while into stability. Later on, I investigated what I was busy accepting and allowing to exist within and as me that lead me to this point. Here is what I found:

·         I felt anger towards Bernard for dying so soon and so suddenly. I was angry that I thought he did not consider the outcome/consequences of his death, the consequences this will have on the whole of existence’s process, individually and collectively.

·         I was disappointed at myself for not having utilized the opportunity I had more effectively when he was still here as Bernard.

·         And then there was definitely the fear I had of the process ahead. I feared that I won’t make it, that we may not make it.

·         I was sad because I now don’t have the opportunity to meet Bernard in person and have a word with him face to face. We wanted to visit the farm many times but we couldn’t due to current situation at a given time.  We did make a commitment to visit the farm later this year and get to meet everyone at the farm including Bernard.

·         Bernard’s death triggered sadness and a feeling of deep loss within me.

·         I also triggered the fear of death within me. This is the main part from where my anxiety attack came from. From within and as the fear of death was other fears like, the fear of what will become of me after I am physically dead, the fear of ceasing to exist after I die.

Day 54: MY REACTIONS TO BERNARD POOLMAN’S DEATH - Part 2

Day 52: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 10

...continuing with SELF FORGIVENESS AND SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others for attention from men so that a man can pick me and form a relationship with me or have sex with me or both.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop competing with others/women for attention for I realize that, I enter in competition with others because I compare myself to them and hence generate energy as the illusionary desire of wanting to be superior than another, not realizing that, seesawing between superiority and inferiority is a polarity game of the mind which keeps me from physical living my true self as who I am within and as my physical body in each moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have media influence/direct who I am within and as beauty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to always breath and stop myself from participating within any thoughts, imaginations, backchats, reactions as feelings or emotions whenever I come into contact with any form of media information that is aimed at triggering a change in the reality of myself from that of being here as the constant and consistent physical expression to entering the illusionary world of energy as the desire depicted by media on how beauty should be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the skinny models on TV and magazines whereby from comparison, I judge myself as less beautiful that these models and hence try to do all I can to look like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to lose weight and become skinny like a model so that I can fit into small tight skimpy clothes so that I can look sexy, beautiful and more appealing in the eyes of others especially men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing weight to beauty whereby my starting point of losing weight is so that I can fulfill a desire of having a certain body size and type preferably very slim so that I can look and feel beautiful.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop comparing myself to all the skinny models on media that make me feel inferior to them. From within this as well, I commit myself to assist and support myself to assist and support myself to accept myself as who I am as my physical body and any alterations that I may choose to do as in and as my body will be in full consideration of the impact it will create for my body, the impact being only that which is best for my physical body in assisting and supporting myself as my body to function at the best level possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept and cherish the totality of who I am within and as my physical body.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to accept and cherish the totality of who I am within and as my physical body, living self-honesty within my every moment of breath to bring about change that is best for all hence best for me as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, by presenting myself to the world as a certain picture through judgment and competition, I am actually advertising myself as a commodity in the market whereby I can sell myself to the highest bidder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn myself into a beauty commodity through and as the clothes and make up that I wear so that I can be noticed by others especially men so that they can buy me, buy into my deceit/manipulation/self-interest.

I realize that I have reduced the value of who I am as life into that of a commodity that can be sold to the highest bidder for sex, money, and relationship and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to walking my process of change so that I can effect change universal that is best for all life whereby, no other man or woman or child or any life form is to be de-valued as a commodity but as life itself because that is who I am and every other life form. Life as a commodity is an illusion that we have brought forth as who we are creating separation and inequality and so I commit myself to walk my process of change to bring forth a reality where life is real and its value is LIFE though an EQUAL MONEY SYSTEM.

Day 51: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 9

...continuing with SELF FORGIVENESS AND SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard the illusion of superiority as sense of security in who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my EGO is the one that is feeling secure and protected through my participation within and as self-interest of superiority over others which is actually the EGO itself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand that, whenever I participate within superiority or inferiority game, I am actually accepting and allowing my Ego to exist and direct me and that I abdicate my self-responsibility to my ego instead of being/becoming self-responsible for myself in my life as my very living in and as my every moment of breath. That it is a self-dishonesty point when I abdicate the responsibility towards myself and let my ego direct me, so therefore, I commit myself to assist and support myself to write myself on the self-dishonesty points, apply self-forgiveness and apply myself as corrective living so as to bring real physical change in my life instead of living the illusionary life as my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use beauty as a way to lure men to me for sex or relationship or both. 

 I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop linking beauty to sex and relationship whereby I dress in a certain way to impress a man so as he can like me and desire to want to be in a relationship with me or have sex with me, I now realize that this was just me seeking attention from men, attention which I do not give to myself. From within this, I commit myself to pay attention to myself within and as the awareness of who I am as my physical body within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard beauty as dressing sexy so that men can find me attractive and desire to have sex with me or form a relationship with me or both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive/manipulate men by dressing in a sexual provocative way so that I can provoke the men to desire to have sex and or be in a relationship with me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop linking beauty to clothes and sex whereby I dress in a certain way (tight clothes) to so as to enhance my physical outlook to that of appearing as ‘sexy’ so that men can find me beautiful and desire to have sex with me or form a relationship with me for I realize that this is deceiving others/men through manipulation. From within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to use clothes for self-expression purposes whereby I have appropriate and comfortable clothes for certain moments/occasions and not for the purposes of pleasing others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that, when I lure/attract men to me for sex/relationship is manipulation, whereby I manipulate/deceive men by presenting myself to them as a beautiful picture that they can desire to have sex/form a relationship with, not seeing realizing or understanding that this is me deceiving/manipulating myself so that I can attract a man to fulfill my desires of wanting sex/a relationship from them because I don’t desire myself nor do I have a relationship with myself as the physical and thus I look for a relationship outside of myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk the process of forming a relationship with myself for I realize that, my desire to have relationships with another/man is because I want to fulfill my desire to have a relationship with myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer manipulate/deceive others/man to desire to have sex or for a relationship with me by altering my physical outlook to that of appearing as a sexy picture/symbol of desire and sex for men, instead, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, through self-writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction through practical application, re-unite myself back to myself in and as my physical body within and as a relationship of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that, the reason why I desire for a relationship from another outside myself is because I have not established a relationship with myself meaning that, I have separated myself from myself and thus I have no relationship to myself and that is why I look for a relationship outside myself because I don’t have a relationship with myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to form a relationship with myself instead of looking for it outside of myself in others in the form of a desire to be in a relationship with another/man for I realize that this is the point where I am separating myself from the relationship I should have with myself by placing it within and as a relationship point outside myself in another person.

Next Blog: Day 52: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 10

Day 50: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 8

...continuing with SELF FORGIVENESS AND SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with those I regard as ‘more beautiful’ than me so that I can outshine them in beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through competing with myself as another.

A forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that another person is actually equal and one as me and thus competing with another person is competing with myself  and this  makes the separation even gap bigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty within and as judgment and competition as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to be better than others and thus judge or compete with another so that I can be the best/better than them and thus creating competition and separation.

I commit myself to, whenever I find myself about to or already participating on competing with another to BREATH and STOP myself from participating within competition with another on who is the most beautiful.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand that competing with another on who looks most beautiful only sabotage/compromises me to live and apply myself in every moment of breath because my attention is diverted elsewhere in competing with another instead of realizing that, when I compete with another, I am simply not living myself but rather comparing myself to another and thus wanting to look like another or even better, instead of just being me as ME HERE, BREATHING, simple.

I commit myself to assist and support myself that, instead of entering in competition to wanting to look like someone else or even better than someone else, to rather learn from this someone else i.e.; what is it that I can observe and learn from this someone else that I can incorporate in my life to live that which is best for all? Or what is it within and as this other person that activates thoughts, imaginations etc. within me to act and live in a certain way that does not support me and as life? And to from here write and apply self-forgiveness on that which I act as within and as my living that does not support life and change it. This way, another person will be my point of assistance and support and not competition.

Next Blog: Day 51: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 9

Day 49: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 7

...continuing with SELF FORGIVENESS AND SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use beauty to fuel my desire of always wanting to remain in the spotlight of being seen as beautiful and thus will do all that I can to present myself to the world as a beautiful person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be/become my own spotlight within and as becoming my own self directive principle of my life within and as each moment of breath from within and as the starting point of acting in a way that is best for all, and this is thus why I seek for attention/the spotlight elsewhere outside myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, whenever I find myself desiring to be noticed by others or wanting to be the center of attention/in the spotlight, to immediately access within myself why I go into such desire, to assess what it is that I may be thinking about, imagining, back chatting or reacting to, that leads me to comparing myself to others and thus competing with them; afterwards, I commit myself to write myself out and apply self-forgiveness on all the aspects of desire that come up and follow myself through to practical application as real living change.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to assist and support myself to become my own spotlight from within and as becoming my own self directive principle of my life so that I can bring into light/expose all those spots that I have been hiding from/running away from and face them through self-forgiveness and corrective application as my very living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention outside myself by altering my physical outlook to represent a picture that others will notice and approve of not seeing realizing and understanding that the only reason I seek for attention outside myself is because I have don’t pay any attention to myself within and as my reality, and that I have separated myself from self-attention and by defining it as a point outside myself like for example seeking attention through beauty and compliments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the reality of who I am within and as what others think and say about my physical outlook/beauty.

I commit myself to bringing myself back to myself through paying attention to my world in and as that which I am participating within and as and become the directive principle of it. Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize and understand, that what I think or imagine others will think or say about me is actually what I am thinking and saying about myself and that, others have nothing to do with it; this is self-judgment, and so any moment I find myself judging myself, I shall breath and stop myself from participating within this judgment thoughts and imaginations of whether others will find and accept me as beautiful or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a picture presentation of myself as beauty. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude/deceive others by presenting myself to them in the form of an illusion as a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the creation of a world whereby we value picture presentations of each other as more or less that who/what we actually are in reality which is physicality/substance within and as our physical bodies in and as this physical world/earth.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop deluding/deceiving myself and therefore others through presenting myself to myself and others as a picture as a beauty picture through changing my physical outlook by applying makeup and dressing to impress others, for by doing so I am actually not expressing and living who I truly am and not presenting my true self to myself or to others.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, moving myself within and as my physical world in and as my physical body as this is what is actually real and that this is how I can support myself to step out of my mind paranoia of making myself seem more or less than what/who I truly am, by so doing, I shall help stop our worlds accepted beauty system norm and actually bring forth a world where all beings are really REAL as they are, living what’s best for all in equality and oneness.

Next Blog: Day 50: THE 'I' OF BEAUTY - Part 8